Stuck in a hat box

You ever have one of those days where you are completely uninterested in everything? One of those days when Skynet hacks your brain and you do menial tasks over and over for hours and hours without really thinking about what you are actually doing? Yep, I’m having one of those days. I don’t feel so much as depressed, just, well, caged. I desperately want to fly free, but there is a Siamese, a Tabby, and a Calico all looking right at me.  Circumstance, Fate, and Prozac make for shoddy companions if you ask me.

I want so desperately to be liberated- from what, I’m not quite sure. I had someone tell me that on the outside, my life is pretty perfect. I agree, it is. But I wonder how much of it is just a product of caution. I’m so careful, I follow the rules, I do my homework, I say please and thank you, and I smile at people who make me pissy. (Le gasp, I swore!) I just want to do something completely unordinary, something so out of my comfort zone, something that will make me grow. Granted, this whole depression/loneliness experience has made me grow, but now I feel like I’m stagnating. I want to have an adventure! I’m not talking driving down 95 with half of my torso out the sunroof, pleasantly telling everyone they are number one while I navigate with my feet. No. I’m talking about getting lost in a forest for a couple of hours, or going to a town I’ve never been to and looking for oddball stores. I want to paint! I want to draw! I want to liberate myself from where I am.

I’m so worn out from college. I’m almost ashamed to say it, but I am so done with it right now. I’ve been in it for three? four? years now? INCLUDING summer. Gag. I’m tired of being pressed by deadlines, walking to and from class in a cloud of cigarette smoke- ugh, I’m just trashed from so much school. Don’t get me wrong, I love learning. I LOVE IT! But, I almost feel ashamed to say, at this moment, it’s not what I want. (Le Gasp again).

While I visited my grandparents I had the pleasure of going to many, many, buffets. Understand that I don’t like eating out. I find it wasteful, expensive, and impersonal. Yes, I can crack open a can of garbanzo beans for about 50 cents and get the same pleasure, except I can eat them right out of the can. More fun. Anyway, I watched countless people, almost all old, sitting with plates piled high in complete silence. Now, I could be completely wrong when I say this (for all I know they could simply be contemplating the molecular structure of the brown stuff that ladled on their plate a minute ago) but none of them looked happy. In truth, many looked really unhealthy, and with a morose look on their faces, I quietly wondered if they were looking back on their best years, regretting everything they didn’t do because they were too busy, tired, or caught up in life.  It brought me back to the eternal question, “Why do we do the things we do?”

It seems like we as humans have become automated, simply existing, not living. We do what we are told, we are programmed to adore the material and do everything to achieve it. It’s the same song and dance that people have been preaching for ages. You see, I am horribly ashamed right now and I ought not to be. More than anything, I want to be an artist and a baker, freelance of course. I want to work from home, hold down the fort and make sure my future husband has a warm meal to come home to. I want to hold countless get togethers with friends, go to Church on Sunday mornings, walk along the coast and taste the tangy ocean currents in the air.  I want to explore the deepest recesses of forests in the morning, and scour thrift and antique stores for hours. I want to be in a continual state of peace that Philippians always talks about. Maybe I’m just fantasizing. Go ahead; tell me life isn’t like that. But why? Why isn’t it? Why can’t it be? The things I want most in life don’t cost hardly a penny, and yet I feel guilty for wanting them.

I always felt like I HAD to go get a bachelors, I HAD to find a good nine to five career, I HAD to have a good salary, I HAD. HAVE. BUT I DON’T want these things. I want nothing to do with them. The very thing I hate is the very thing that enslaves me. Material gain- why must I feel the need to strive for it? I’m so sick of it. The life that everyone else is leading is not for me. My journey is different. I think it’s long time coming I accepted this fact. Right now, I just feel like I am tied to Coeur d’ Alene. I want to finally get my chance to blossom.

This picture pretty much sums it up. I don't care if it's idealistic, this is what I aspire to be.